To encourage a behavior like good listening, don't compliment the person directly. Instead, associate that trait with a group they respect, like "high-performing CEOs." They will want to see themselves as part of that aspirational group and subconsciously adopt the behavior.

While often maligned, research found the "feedback sandwich" (positive-negative-positive) is effective. However, the crucial element is starting with a compliment or expression of respect. This primes the recipient to be more receptive to the difficult feedback that follows. The positive end is less critical.

Don't view positive feedback as simply a way to make someone feel good. Its primary purpose is to make a person consciously aware of what they are doing well. This awareness increases the consistency and frequency of that desired behavior, making them a better performer.

Saying "I wish I was like you" centers the conversation on your own inadequacy. Phrasing it as "I admire your optimism" shifts the focus to genuinely complimenting the other person, which strengthens the relationship instead of asking for sympathy.

Psychotherapist Esther Perel suggests that most complaints hide a desire. Instead of criticizing a partner's failure (e.g., "You never do X"), ask for what you want. This shifts the dynamic from blame to a collaborative request, avoiding contempt and defensiveness.

Instead of overwhelming people with logical reasons to change, persuade them by helping them envision a new version of themselves. Use stories and framing like "Imagine what it would be like if..." to invite them to try on the identity associated with the desired action.

People are more willing to accept and incorporate feedback about traits they see as secondary, like being "well-spoken" or "witty." Tying feedback to core identity traits, such as kindness or integrity, is more likely to be perceived as a threat and trigger a defensive response.

To give feedback to a superior, focus on positive reinforcement. When your boss demonstrates a behavior you want to see more of, such as listening to everyone in a meeting, praise it specifically after the fact. This approach rewards the positive and is more likely to be heard and repeated than direct criticism.

Our brains are wired to notice what's wrong, so complaints come naturally. Terry Real teaches a discipline: write down your complaint, then flip it over and turn it into a request. Going directly to the request empowers your partner to succeed, whereas criticism just beats them down.