A key source of conflict is the implicit belief that partners should just know how we feel without being told. This leads to disappointment when they inevitably fail, causing resentment and stonewalling. Acknowledging this tendency is the first step to fixing it.
We make hundreds of "disclosure decisions" daily, with most thoughts and feelings going unsaid. The key shift is to recognize that not speaking is still a choice. Viewing silence as an active decision opens up awareness of how much more could be shared to strengthen connections.
We are culturally conditioned to fear saying "Too Much Information" (TMI). However, research shows the more significant issue is "Too Little Information" (TLI), where silence and holding back cause relationships to wither from a lack of connection and understanding.
While often maligned, research found the "feedback sandwich" (positive-negative-positive) is effective. However, the crucial element is starting with a compliment or expression of respect. This primes the recipient to be more receptive to the difficult feedback that follows. The positive end is less critical.
The goal isn't to be an open book all the time. The most skilled communicators have "disclosure flexibility"—the ability to be extremely vulnerable when appropriate but also completely guarded in other situations. They adapt their level of sharing to the context, person, and timing.
Counterintuitively, relationships thrive when partners feel seen for who they truly are, including their struggles. Acknowledging a partner's self-doubt is more bonding than showering them with praise because it confirms they are loved for their authentic self, not an idealized version.
Instead of trying to find the perfect question to get a reserved partner to open up, proactively share something vulnerable yourself. Humans have a powerful, almost instinctual tendency to reciprocate disclosure. Leading with your own sharing naturally and gently invites them to do the same.
At Harvard Business School, leadership and communication courses are often the lowest-rated by MBA students. However, alumni frequently report back that they wish they had paid more attention, as those "soft skills" proved more essential to their careers than the technical coursework.
A study found preschoolers who visibly expressed fear had a calmer physiological state (less sweaty palms) than those who suppressed it. This suggests bottling up feelings creates tangible biological stress. Expression isn't just venting; it's a form of physiological regulation.
In long-term relationships, our confidence that we know our partner grows faster than our actual knowledge of their current thoughts and feelings. This gap leads to assumptions and reduced communication. One study found partners were wrong 80% of the time when guessing what their spouse was feeling.
Despite teaching at an institution that prizes intellect, Leslie John states that if she had to choose between Emotional Intelligence (EQ) and IQ, she would choose EQ "hands down." She attributes her own failed first marriage to a lack of emotional self-understanding, not a lack of intelligence.
Across life, people overwhelmingly regret the things they *didn't* do (76% of regrets), not the things they did. This applies directly to communication; one of the top five regrets of the dying is "I wish I had expressed my feelings more." The long-term pain of unsaid words outweighs the short-term fear of sharing.