People are more willing to accept and incorporate feedback about traits they see as secondary, like being "well-spoken" or "witty." Tying feedback to core identity traits, such as kindness or integrity, is more likely to be perceived as a threat and trigger a defensive response.
Values affirmation—actively thinking about what truly matters to you (family, creativity, etc.)—broadens your sense of self. This psychological buffer makes specific criticism feel less like an all-encompassing attack on your identity, thus reducing defensiveness and improving openness to the message.
Salient emotional events feel vivid and true, boosting our confidence in the memory. However, this confidence is often misleading. Each time we recall and "reconstruct" these memories, we create more opportunities for errors to creep in, making them factually less reliable than we believe.
Memory doesn't work like a linear filing system. It's stored in associative patterns based on themes and emotions. When one memory is activated, it can trigger a cascade of thematically connected memories, regardless of when they occurred, explaining why a current event can surface multiple similar past experiences.
While any sense of purpose can help buffer against criticism, values that connect you to a larger whole (community, humanity) are particularly effective. Research shows these self-transcendent values lower reactivity in brain regions that track threats when receiving challenging feedback.
When presented with direct facts, our brains use effortful reasoning, which is prone to defensive reactions. Stories transport us, engaging different, more social brain systems. This allows us to analyze a situation objectively, as if observing others, making us more receptive to the underlying message.
Defensiveness arises because our brain's self-relevance and value systems are intertwined. Feedback threatening a specific action (e.g., "you're a risky driver") is often interpreted as a threat to our core identity ("I'm a bad person"), triggering a strong protective response.
Technology doesn't change the brain's fundamental mechanism for memory. Instead, it acts as an external tool that allows us to strategically choose what to remember, freeing up limited attentional resources. We've simply offloaded rote memorization (like phone numbers) to focus our mental bandwidth elsewhere.