The founder received harsh 360 feedback, with colleagues labeling him 'Hurricane Ben' for his disruptive behavior. Instead of being defensive, he recognized the feedback as a critical inflection point, forcing him to fundamentally change his leadership style to effectively scale with the company.

A colleague offering honest, difficult feedback should be seen as an act of profound gratitude. It demonstrates a deep investment in your personal and professional growth, and having the courage to offer such 'coaching up' is a pivotal, though uncomfortable, opportunity for development.

A three-step structure for feedback: state a neutral observation ("What"), explain its impact ("So What"), and suggest a collaborative next step ("Now What"). This focuses on the work, not the person, making the feedback more likely to be received well and acted upon.

When receiving harsh feedback, avoid a defensive posture by mentally reframing the interaction. Instead of seeing it as a personal attack across a table, visualize both of you on the same side, collaborating on a problem written on a whiteboard. This shifts the focus to the idea, not the person.

Critiques using words like 'beautiful' or 'ugly' are often perceived as moral judgments on one's identity. In contrast, using less-charged, functional words like 'boring' frames the feedback as an objective problem to be solved, making it more palatable and actionable for the recipient.

Instead of trying to find the perfect words, preface difficult feedback by stating your own nervousness. Saying, "I'm nervous to share this because I value our relationship," humanizes the interaction, disarms defensiveness, and makes the other person more receptive to the message.

People are more willing to accept and incorporate feedback about traits they see as secondary, like being "well-spoken" or "witty." Tying feedback to core identity traits, such as kindness or integrity, is more likely to be perceived as a threat and trigger a defensive response.

Instead of offering unsolicited advice, first ask for permission. Frame the feedback around a shared goal (e.g., "I know you want to be the best leader possible") and then ask, "I spotted something that's getting in the way. Could I tell you about it?" This approach makes the recipient far more willing to listen and act.

For short-term mentoring to be impactful, it must be painful. The goal isn't gentle guidance but to make an overlooked opportunity or flaw so painfully obvious that the mentee is jolted into action, partly to prove the mentor wrong. It's 'crash therapy'—uncomfortable but highly effective at driving change.