In intimate relationships, arguing over objective facts is a recipe for disaster. According to therapist Terry Real, "objective reality has no place in intimate relationships." Trying to prove your point with logic ignores your partner's emotional experience and only escalates conflict. Focus on feelings, not facts.

Continually bringing up a partner's past financial errors isn't just unproductive; it's destructive. This behavior erodes their confidence, making them feel perpetually 'bad with money' and causing them to withdraw from being a meaningful participant in the couple's financial life.

Catastrophic relationship failures are rarely caused by a single event. Instead, they are the result of hundreds of small moments where a minor conflict could have been repaired with validation or an apology, but wasn't. The accumulation of these unrepaired moments erodes the relationship's foundation over time.

What appears as outward aggression, blame, or anger is often a defensive mechanism. These "bodyguards" emerge to protect a person's inner vulnerability when they feel hurt. To resolve conflict, one must learn to speak past the bodyguards to the underlying pain.

In a study, individuals with low self-esteem who believed their partners were listing their faults reacted defensively by devaluing their partners. This creates a downward spiral where perceived criticism leads to pre-emptive emotional attacks.

In relationship conflicts, one partner often pursues connection while the other withdraws. This isn't a personality clash but a reaction to fear. The pursuer's core fear is abandonment ("I'm losing you"), while the withdrawer's is inadequacy ("I'm failing you"). Identifying this shared pattern of fear, not the partner, as the problem is the key to resolution.

Research by The Gottman Institute identified four behaviors that strongly predict breakups: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. Of these "Four Horsemen," contempt—the feeling that a person is worthless or beneath consideration—is the most powerful and destructive predictor of a relationship's demise, acting like "sulfuric acid."

Many arguments are a cycle where one person, feeling shame, throws it at their partner through criticism or blame. The second person, now feeling attacked and ashamed, defends themselves in a way that feels like an attack back. They are just passing the "shame hot potato" back and forth without resolving the underlying feeling.

Conflict avoidance is not a sign of a healthy relationship. True intimacy is built through cycles of 'rupture and repair,' where disagreements are used as opportunities for deeper understanding. A relationship without conflict may be fragile, as its ability to repair has never been tested.