The common impulse is to "fix" someone's grief. However, what people in anguish truly need is "withness": the simple, non-judgmental presence of others. The goal is not to repair their broken hearts but to ensure they don't feel abandoned in their pain.
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When people share a problem, their primary need is acknowledgment, not an immediate solution. Philosopher Kieran Setia explains that rushing to offer advice or reassurance can feel like a denial of their experience. True support begins with validating their struggle.
Grief is not a linear set of stages but an oscillation. People naturally shift between focusing inward on their loss and focusing outward on daily life. This dynamic process allows for both the recalibration of their internal world and continued engagement with external responsibilities.
During his cancer treatment, Steve Garrity learned that the most meaningful support came from friends who were simply present, even without conversation. One friend drove him to chemo during a fight, demonstrating that showing up is more powerful than finding the perfect words. This is a crucial lesson for leaders and colleagues supporting someone through hardship.
Instead of searching for the perfect words, which don't exist, it's more effective to be honest about your uncertainty. Simply say "I'm here for you" and then offer a practical, authentic act of support based on your own skills and passions, like cooking a meal or walking their dog.
Deepak Chopra provides a tangible framework for the abstract concept of presence. It consists of four components: deep listening without judgment (Attention), empathy and compassion (Affection), valuing the uniqueness of the interaction (Appreciation), and expressing your view without attachment (Acceptance).
Forcing positivity on someone suffering invalidates their authentic feelings of fear, anger, and grief. This "toxic positivity" creates pressure to perform as a "graceful patient," preventing the honest conversations needed to process trauma and isolation. True support makes space for the "uglier aspects" of an experience.
When someone is upset, directly ask if they want to be "heard" (emotional support), "helped" (practical solutions), or "hugged" (social connection). This simple heuristic clarifies their needs and prevents the conversational mismatch of offering solutions when empathy is desired.
True kindness isn't about grand gestures or offering pity. Instead, it's the subtle act of truly 'seeing' another person—recognizing their inherent story and humanity in a shared moment. This simple acknowledgement, devoid of judgment, is a powerful way to honor their existence.
Instead of trying to eliminate suffering in ourselves or others, adopt a "ministry of presence." This means showing up with a loving heart to be with painful emotions as they are, creating a spacious and compassionate inner environment. This transforms our relationship with pain, even if the pain itself doesn't disappear.
This common phrase, while well-intentioned, gives a grieving person a chore: they must identify a need and reach out. It makes the helper feel better without actually helping. Instead, proactively do the helpful thing you thought of—bring food, mow the lawn, run an errand. Unsolicited action is true support.
