In a tense meeting or interview, focusing on summarizing the other person's points serves a dual purpose. It makes them feel heard, but more importantly, it gives your own nervous system time to settle. This shifts focus outward, reducing internal anxiety and allowing you to respond more calmly and effectively.
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The foundation of clear communication isn't eloquence but active listening. The goal is to understand the other person's perspective before formulating a response, which also helps prevent reactive, stress-induced replies and makes others feel heard.
In a crisis, the instinct is to shout louder and match escalating chaos. True leadership involves 'energetic jujitsu': deliberately slowing down and bringing calmness to the situation. This rare skill is more powerful than simply increasing intensity.
Shift your mindset away from a pass/fail evaluation, which fuels anxiety about uncontrollable outcomes. Instead, approach the situation as a curious exploration. This reframe lowers the psychological stakes, reduces nervousness, and allows for more authentic and effective engagement.
The Nonviolent Communication framework (Observations, Feelings, Needs, Request) provides a script for difficult conversations. It structures your communication to focus on objective facts and your personal emotional experience, rather than blaming the other person. This approach minimizes defensiveness and fosters empathy.
Paraphrasing is more than just a tool for checking comprehension. Citing research from Harvard's Alison Wood Brooks, the speaker notes it also deepens your connection with the other person. The act of listening in order to paraphrase also forces you to focus more intently on the core message.
The brain's emotional center is five times stronger than its rational part. When triggered by stress, it shuts down executive function. A deliberate 90-second pause is a powerful antidote that allows the physiological wave of emotion to pass, enabling clearer, more considered decision-making.
Instead of trying to find the perfect words, preface difficult feedback by stating your own nervousness. Saying, "I'm nervous to share this because I value our relationship," humanizes the interaction, disarms defensiveness, and makes the other person more receptive to the message.
The "looping" technique—repeating what you heard and asking "Did I get that right?"—is effective in conflicts even if your interpretation is incorrect. The act of trying to understand and giving them power to correct you demonstrates genuine intent, making the other person feel heard and reducing defensiveness.
Use a four-step framework for high-stakes talks: define your Purpose (your mission), Listen actively, Ask clarifying questions instead of assuming, and determine the Next steps for resolution. This structure keeps you anchored and prevents emotional derailment.
To slow down a heated or fast-paced conversation, avoid telling the other person to calm down. Instead, validate their emotional state by acknowledging it directly, e.g., 'I hear you have a lot of passion here.' This meta-commentary creates space and can de-escalate the intensity without being confrontational.