Bridgewater's Co-CIO has learned to "treasure" the feeling of anger or defensiveness when receiving criticism, especially from junior colleagues. He sees this emotional reaction not as a reason to dismiss the feedback, but as a powerful signal that it's touching on a real blind spot he is subconsciously trying to ignore.
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The founder received harsh 360 feedback, with colleagues labeling him 'Hurricane Ben' for his disruptive behavior. Instead of being defensive, he recognized the feedback as a critical inflection point, forcing him to fundamentally change his leadership style to effectively scale with the company.
To give difficult feedback, use the Situation-Behavior-Impact (SBI) model. Instead of making accusations, state the situation, the specific behavior, and crucially, the impact it had on you. This approach prevents triggering a defensive, fight-or-flight response in the recipient.
A colleague offering honest, difficult feedback should be seen as an act of profound gratitude. It demonstrates a deep investment in your personal and professional growth, and having the courage to offer such 'coaching up' is a pivotal, though uncomfortable, opportunity for development.
When receiving harsh feedback, avoid a defensive posture by mentally reframing the interaction. Instead of seeing it as a personal attack across a table, visualize both of you on the same side, collaborating on a problem written on a whiteboard. This shifts the focus to the idea, not the person.
Negative feedback that dismisses your idea as 'nuts' is incredibly valuable. This extreme reaction forces you to rigorously test your core assumptions, revealing whether you are fundamentally wrong and saving time, or 'deadly right' about a non-obvious market shift.
Conventional leadership advice suggests suppressing negative emotions. A more powerful approach is to reframe the intense energy behind feelings like rage or fear as a fuel to overcome obstacles, rather than a liability to be contained and hidden.
In difficult conversations, leaders fail when focused on their own feelings or ego. The real work is to get to the absolute truth of the situation. This involves moving past your own reaction to understand why the person acted as they did, if the behavior is correctable, and what would truly motivate them to change.
People are more willing to accept and incorporate feedback about traits they see as secondary, like being "well-spoken" or "witty." Tying feedback to core identity traits, such as kindness or integrity, is more likely to be perceived as a threat and trigger a defensive response.
To prevent defensiveness when giving critical feedback, managers should explicitly state their positive intent. Saying "I'm giving this because I care about you and your career" shifts the focus from a personal attack to a supportive act of leadership aimed at helping them grow.
The real leadership challenge isn't feeling negative emotions, but the "inflation" of those feelings into disproportionate reactions. This is caused by misinterpretations, taking things personally, or past trauma. The goal is to manage the intensity of the reaction, not the feeling itself.