Many conversations fail because we don't truly listen. Instead, we just pause to formulate our next attack. This isn't listening; it's strategizing. This defensive approach erodes connection and understanding, costing us relationships and opportunities because it's hard to hate someone you truly understand.
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The foundation of clear communication isn't eloquence but active listening. The goal is to understand the other person's perspective before formulating a response, which also helps prevent reactive, stress-induced replies and makes others feel heard.
Paraphrasing is more than just a tool for checking comprehension. Citing research from Harvard's Alison Wood Brooks, the speaker notes it also deepens your connection with the other person. The act of listening in order to paraphrase also forces you to focus more intently on the core message.
In high-stakes discussions, instinctually attacking a point leads to a zero-sum game. Grammarly's co-founder starts his responses with a genuine "Yes" (not "Yes, but…"). This tactic is primarily for his own benefit, mentally priming him to find common ground first, which then shifts the conversation's dynamic toward a productive outcome.
In disagreements, the objective isn't to prove the other person wrong or "win" the argument. The true goal is to achieve mutual understanding. This fundamental shift in perspective transforms a confrontational dynamic into a collaborative one, making difficult conversations more productive.
True connection requires humility. Instead of trying to imagine another's viewpoint ("perspective taking"), a more effective approach is to actively seek it out through questions and tentative statements ("perspective getting"). This avoids misreads and shows genuine interest.
In difficult conversations, leaders fail when focused on their own feelings or ego. The real work is to get to the absolute truth of the situation. This involves moving past your own reaction to understand why the person acted as they did, if the behavior is correctable, and what would truly motivate them to change.
The key to a successful confrontation is to stop thinking about yourself—whether you need to be seen as tough or be liked. The singular goal is to communicate the unvarnished truth in a way the other person can hear and act upon, without their defensiveness being triggered by your own emotional agenda.
The "looping" technique—repeating what you heard and asking "Did I get that right?"—is effective in conflicts even if your interpretation is incorrect. The act of trying to understand and giving them power to correct you demonstrates genuine intent, making the other person feel heard and reducing defensiveness.
Saying "I understand" is counterproductive. You can understand someone's words, but you cannot truly know their unique emotional experience. The phrase often shifts the focus to your own experience, preventing the other person from feeling heard.
We often assume our message is received as intended, but this is a frequent point of failure in communication. The only thing that matters is what the listener understands. To ensure clarity and avoid conflict, proactively ask the other person to reflect back what they heard you say.