Psychologist Thomas Curran traces his own perfectionism to feelings of inadequacy from his working-class youth. This drive to be flawless is less about achievement and more about “buying your way out of shame” and proving one's worth to overcome feelings of inferiority.
Unlike healthy conscientiousness, perfectionism stems from a feeling of “not being good enough.” The goal of flawless performance is to avoid confirming this internal fear of inadequacy, making it a defensive motivation rather than an aspirational one.
Known as "perfectionistic self-preservation," this paradoxical behavior is driven by the logic that you can't truly fail at something you didn't try. To avoid the intense shame of failing at full effort, perfectionists will procrastinate or underperform intentionally.
This external form of perfectionism, driven by social media and academic pressures, is up 40% since the 1980s. It is more strongly linked to anxiety, depression, and hopelessness than self-imposed perfectionism is.
Pediatrician Donald Winnicott argued that children must learn to handle frustration and disappointment. A "perfect" parent who shields a child from all difficulty inadvertently robs them of the chance to develop coping mechanisms for the real world.
True connection requires humility. Instead of trying to imagine another's viewpoint ("perspective taking"), a more effective approach is to actively seek it out through questions and tentative statements ("perspective getting"). This avoids misreads and shows genuine interest.
Connective labor can be sustaining, not draining. Burnout occurs when the "social architecture" lacks support systems like "sounding boards" for practitioners to process their work. The problem isn't the emotional work itself, but the conditions under which it's performed.
While the absence of human judgment makes AI therapy appealing for users dealing with shame, it creates a paradox. Research shows that because there's no risk, users are less motivated and attached, as the "reflection of the other" feels less valuable or hard-won.
Effective connective labor goes beyond listening to facts; it identifies and articulates the "emotional message" beneath a person's story. Naming this feeling, perhaps with a metaphor, creates a powerful epiphany and makes the person feel truly seen.