People become defensive when given unsolicited advice. To create an opening for constructive criticism, first ask the other person for feedback on your own performance. This act of vulnerability establishes trust and often triggers a natural social tendency for them to reciprocate, making them more receptive to your feedback in return.

A three-step structure for feedback: state a neutral observation ("What"), explain its impact ("So What"), and suggest a collaborative next step ("Now What"). This focuses on the work, not the person, making the feedback more likely to be received well and acted upon.

Direct questions in sales or leadership can feel confrontational. Prefacing them with 'I'm curious...' completely changes the dynamic from an interrogation to a collaborative effort to understand. This simple linguistic shift builds trust, encourages openness, and turns transactions into lasting relationships.

Feedback often fails because its motivation is selfish (e.g., 'I want to be right,' 'I want to vent'). It only lands effectively when the giver's genuine intention is to help the other person become who *they* want to be. This caring mindset dictates the delivery and reception.

To prevent defensiveness when giving critical feedback, managers should explicitly state their positive intent. Saying "I'm giving this because I care about you and your career" shifts the focus from a personal attack to a supportive act of leadership aimed at helping them grow.

Instead of offering unsolicited advice, first ask for permission. Frame the feedback around a shared goal (e.g., "I know you want to be the best leader possible") and then ask, "I spotted something that's getting in the way. Could I tell you about it?" This approach makes the recipient far more willing to listen and act.

When given unclear feedback like 'be more strategic,' don't ask for a definition. Instead, ask for concrete examples: 'What would it have looked like for me to be strategic?' or 'What would you have done differently?' This forces managers to provide actionable guidance instead of abstract criticism.

The phrase "Can I give you feedback?" triggers a threat response. Neuroleadership research shows that flipping the script—having leaders proactively *ask* for feedback—reduces the associated stress by 50% for both parties. This simple tweak fosters a culture of psychological safety and continuous improvement.

Our brains are wired to notice what's wrong, so complaints come naturally. Terry Real teaches a discipline: write down your complaint, then flip it over and turn it into a request. Going directly to the request empowers your partner to succeed, whereas criticism just beats them down.