Most leaders focus on broadcasting their message. Emotionally intelligent leaders focus on reception, recognizing that one sentence can be interpreted in eight different ways by eight people. They close the loop by asking, "What did you understand from what I just said?" to ensure true alignment.
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Effective listening requires 'grace'—the permission to listen beyond the literal words for the underlying emotional need. A direct question about performance might not be a request for a critical review but a plea for reassurance. Misreading this subtext can damage rapport.
In relationships with a power differential, leaders default to problem-solving. A more effective approach is to first ask a question like, "What does this diagnosis mean to you?" This addresses the subordinate's emotional and social anxieties, making them more receptive to practical advice.
The foundation of clear communication isn't eloquence but active listening. The goal is to understand the other person's perspective before formulating a response, which also helps prevent reactive, stress-induced replies and makes others feel heard.
The most crucial communication advice is to 'connect, then lead.' Before guiding an audience to a new understanding or action, you must first establish a connection by tapping into what they care about and making your message relatable. Connection is a prerequisite for leadership and influence, not an optional extra.
A key sign of low EQ is a skewed talk-to-listen ratio. By recording a meeting and showing a leader they spoke 68% of the time—not their estimated 10%—you can prove they aren't creating space for others' input, a tangible first step toward coaching improvement.
To communicate with kindness, leaders should first master active listening. This is not passive; it involves asking questions, showing attentive nonverbals, empathizing, and clarifying assumptions. Being fully present in a conversation is a powerful demonstration of care and respect.
True connection requires humility. Instead of trying to imagine another's viewpoint ("perspective taking"), a more effective approach is to actively seek it out through questions and tentative statements ("perspective getting"). This avoids misreads and shows genuine interest.
A truly great communicator isn't defined by their own eloquence but by their ability to improve the communication of others. Through deep listening, curiosity, and skillful questioning, they act as a thought partner, helping people discover and articulate their own ideas more effectively.
Many leaders focus on having the correct analysis. However, true leadership requires understanding that being right is useless if you can't persuade and influence others. The most successful leaders shift their focus from proving their correctness to finding the most effective way to communicate and achieve their goals.
Active listening can sound robotic if it just repeats back words. Deep listening is the next level, where you go beyond the spoken word to pick up on energetic signals and intuition. It makes the other person feel truly understood, not just heard, by acknowledging their emotional state.
