Many leaders mistake active listening for needing to agree with employees. The key is to validate their feelings and perspectives as real based on their experience. This practice, called mirroring, builds connection without forcing consensus or requiring the leader to change their own view.
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The foundation of clear communication isn't eloquence but active listening. The goal is to understand the other person's perspective before formulating a response, which also helps prevent reactive, stress-induced replies and makes others feel heard.
When facing a viewpoint you find incorrect, the instinct is to correct the facts. A better approach is to first validate the person's emotion ("It makes sense you feel X about Y"). This makes them feel heard and safe, preventing defensiveness before you present your own perspective.
Effective dialogue in difficult conversations requires more than just listening. You must actively paraphrase the other person's perspective back to them for their confirmation. Only after they agree with your summary should you advocate for your own position.
To communicate with kindness, leaders should first master active listening. This is not passive; it involves asking questions, showing attentive nonverbals, empathizing, and clarifying assumptions. Being fully present in a conversation is a powerful demonstration of care and respect.
The key to building deep connection isn't getting someone to say 'you're right,' but 'that's right.' The latter confirms they feel fully seen and heard, creating a neurobiological connection essential for trust, a technique applicable from hostage situations to management.
Effective connective labor goes beyond listening to facts; it identifies and articulates the "emotional message" beneath a person's story. Naming this feeling, perhaps with a metaphor, creates a powerful epiphany and makes the person feel truly seen.
People often confuse empathy with agreement. In collaborative problem-solving, empathy is a tool for understanding. You can completely disagree with someone's perspective while still working to accurately understand it, which is the necessary first step to finding a solution.
Managers are often so agenda-driven they simply wait for a pause to speak, rather than truly listening. Asking a simple question like "Is there more?" after an employee shares something signals genuine curiosity, invites deeper sharing, and makes the employee feel genuinely heard and valued.
People are more receptive to feedback when they feel seen. By first acknowledging their perspective and reality ('connecting'), you build a bridge that makes them willing to cooperate and change their behavior, rather than becoming defensive.
Active listening can sound robotic if it just repeats back words. Deep listening is the next level, where you go beyond the spoken word to pick up on energetic signals and intuition. It makes the other person feel truly understood, not just heard, by acknowledging their emotional state.
