We incorrectly assume people misbehave due to a lack of motivation. Research suggests it's often a deficit in neurocognitive skills like frustration tolerance or problem-solving. Pushing harder on motivation is therefore ineffective and can be damaging.
The belief that people fail due to lack of will leads to blame. Shifting to 'people do well if they can' reframes failure as a skill gap, not a will gap. This moves your role from enforcer to helper, focusing you on identifying and building missing skills.
People often confuse empathy with agreement. In collaborative problem-solving, empathy is a tool for understanding. You can completely disagree with someone's perspective while still working to accurately understand it, which is the necessary first step to finding a solution.
Our culture equates accountability with punishment. A more powerful form of accountability is making someone a co-owner in solving the root problem. This ensures the issue doesn't recur and is the ultimate form of taking responsibility for one's actions.
Research shows that when adults (parents, managers) use collaborative problem-solving, they don't just help the other person. The act of practicing empathy, perspective-taking, and flexible thinking strengthens these very same neurocognitive skills in themselves.
When someone immediately shuts down a question with 'I don't care,' it may not be apathy. It can be a preemptive defense from individuals who need longer to process information and formulate a response, allowing them to avoid the pressure of an immediate answer.
Effective problem-solving ('Plan B') follows a sequence. First, genuinely understand the other's perspective (Empathy). Second, share your own concerns using 'and,' not 'but.' Only then, invite them to brainstorm a mutually satisfactory solution together.
While rewards can remind people of expectations, they are poor at building skills. Research shows a strong negative correlation between using external rewards (e.g., money) and developing intrinsic motivation. The more you motivate externally, the more you may weaken internal drive.