View poor performance or difficult behavior as a manifestation of 'feelings overpowering skills,' rather than a conscious bad choice. This transforms a leader's role from a disciplinarian to a coach focused on teaching the missing skills to manage the situation.
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We incorrectly assume people misbehave due to a lack of motivation. Research suggests it's often a deficit in neurocognitive skills like frustration tolerance or problem-solving. Pushing harder on motivation is therefore ineffective and can be damaging.
To help your team overcome their own performance blockers, shift your coaching from their actions to their thinking. Ask questions like, "What were you thinking that led you to that approach?" This helps them uncover the root belief driving their behavior, enabling more profound and lasting change than simple behavioral correction.
When an employee seems defiant, it's rarely a deliberate act of insubordination. Instead, it's a signal that a request has caused an internal conflict or values mismatch. Leaders should treat this as a cue to investigate the root cause, not to punish the behavior.
The belief that people fail due to lack of will leads to blame. Shifting to 'people do well if they can' reframes failure as a skill gap, not a will gap. This moves your role from enforcer to helper, focusing you on identifying and building missing skills.
Instead of assuming negative intent behind someone's poor behavior, actively formulate the 'Most Generous Interpretation' (MGI). This mental shift helps you see them as a collaborator, not an adversary, leading to more constructive and effective solutions.
When confronting a high-performing but abrasive employee, don't just criticize. Frame the conversation around their career. Offer a choice: remain a great individual contributor, or learn the interpersonal skills needed for a broader leadership role, with your help.
In difficult conversations, leaders fail when focused on their own feelings or ego. The real work is to get to the absolute truth of the situation. This involves moving past your own reaction to understand why the person acted as they did, if the behavior is correctable, and what would truly motivate them to change.
'Hidden blockers' like micromanagement or a need to always be right rarely stem from negative intent. They are often deep-seated, counterproductive strategies to fulfill fundamental human needs for value, safety, or belonging. Identifying the underlying need is the first step toward finding a healthier way to meet it.
Frame difficult conversations by separating the problematic behavior (e.g., being late) from the person's identity (e.g., being lazy). This 'good person who is struggling with X' approach prevents defensiveness and allows for a productive discussion about the issue.
Instead of judging a person's negative behavior, seek to understand their story. Actions are often rooted in past trauma or learned patterns. Understanding the "why" behind the behavior, as explored in Dr. Bruce Perry's book "What Happened to You?", is key to leading with empathy.
