When people share a problem, their primary need is acknowledgment, not an immediate solution. Philosopher Kieran Setia explains that rushing to offer advice or reassurance can feel like a denial of their experience. True support begins with validating their struggle.

Brené Brown distinguishes two types of empathy. Cognitive empathy (understanding and validating feelings) is a core leadership skill. Affective empathy (taking on others' emotions) is counterproductive and leads to burnout. Leaders must practice the former and avoid the latter.

True empathy doesn't require having lived through the same event. It's the ability to connect with the underlying emotions—grief, fear, joy—that you have experienced. In fact, having the identical experience can sometimes lead to empathic failure because you assume their reaction must be the same as yours.

The common impulse is to "fix" someone's grief. However, what people in anguish truly need is "withness": the simple, non-judgmental presence of others. The goal is not to repair their broken hearts but to ensure they don't feel abandoned in their pain.

Instead of searching for the perfect words, which don't exist, it's more effective to be honest about your uncertainty. Simply say "I'm here for you" and then offer a practical, authentic act of support based on your own skills and passions, like cooking a meal or walking their dog.

Forcing positivity on someone suffering invalidates their authentic feelings of fear, anger, and grief. This "toxic positivity" creates pressure to perform as a "graceful patient," preventing the honest conversations needed to process trauma and isolation. True support makes space for the "uglier aspects" of an experience.

Empathy has three parts: emotional (feeling others' pain), cognitive (understanding it), and compassion (wishing them well). Emotional empathy—vicariously taking on others' suffering—is most associated with burnout. For caregivers and leaders, cultivating cognitive empathy and compassion is more sustainable and effective.

Empathy, defined as merely feeling another's pain, is overrated and can lead to inaction. Effective leadership requires compassion: understanding a problem, feeling a connection, identifying a solution, and having the courage to implement it, even when it's difficult or unpopular.

When someone is upset, directly ask if they want to be "heard" (emotional support), "helped" (practical solutions), or "hugged" (social connection). This simple heuristic clarifies their needs and prevents the conversational mismatch of offering solutions when empathy is desired.