In intimate relationships, arguing over objective facts is a recipe for disaster. According to therapist Terry Real, "objective reality has no place in intimate relationships." Trying to prove your point with logic ignores your partner's emotional experience and only escalates conflict. Focus on feelings, not facts.

True empathy doesn't require having lived through the same event. It's the ability to connect with the underlying emotions—grief, fear, joy—that you have experienced. In fact, having the identical experience can sometimes lead to empathic failure because you assume their reaction must be the same as yours.

There are no universal cues for lying. Instead of assuming a gesture like crossed arms means someone is being deceptive, view it as a change in their state. This change is a signal to become curious and ask clarifying questions.

Face-to-face contact provides a rich stream of non-verbal cues (tone, expression, body language) that our brains use to build empathy. Digital platforms strip these away, impairing our ability to connect, understand others' emotions, and potentially fostering undue hostility and aggression online.

People engage in three types of conversations: practical (problem-solving), emotional (empathy), or social (identity). When participants are in different modes—like one offering solutions when the other wants validation—the connection fails. Recognizing and aligning these modes is key to effective communication.

Asking questions that probe values, beliefs, or experiences—"deep questions"—can create surprisingly intimate connections in seconds, even with strangers like a barista. These questions invite authenticity and move beyond superficial small talk, making the other person feel seen and valued.

People often confuse empathy with agreement. In collaborative problem-solving, empathy is a tool for understanding. You can completely disagree with someone's perspective while still working to accurately understand it, which is the necessary first step to finding a solution.

True connection requires humility. Instead of trying to imagine another's viewpoint ("perspective taking"), a more effective approach is to actively seek it out through questions and tentative statements ("perspective getting"). This avoids misreads and shows genuine interest.

Saying "I understand" is counterproductive. You can understand someone's words, but you cannot truly know their unique emotional experience. The phrase often shifts the focus to your own experience, preventing the other person from feeling heard.