A book taught Shaka Senghor to see the inner child in his adversaries. This reframed their aggression not as a personal attack, but as an adult "temper tantrum" from an inability to articulate unhealed trauma. This perspective shift instantly changed his approach to resolving conflict.

One partner's aggressive 'fight' response (porcupine) triggers the other's defensive 'flight' response (turtle). This withdrawal intensifies the porcupine's pursuit, creating a frustrating and exhausting cycle where neither party's needs are met.

Unilaterally walking away from a fight can trigger a partner's abandonment issues. Terry Real advises contracting for breaks when calm, and during conflict, stating the reason for the break and a specific time of return. This turns a rupture into a structured pause.

Mindfulness allows you to see thoughts and emotions not as commands, but as suggestions from a "tiny dictator" you don't have to obey. This mental model creates distance, enabling you to observe an impulse (like anger) arise and pass without acting on it, shifting from reflexive reaction to wise response.

In moments of intense crisis, separate your identity into two parts: the panicked "messy pilot" and the wise, observant "co-pilot." This technique creates psychological distance, allowing you to non-judgmentally witness your own chaotic reactions. This shift in perspective helps you regain control and calms your physiological stress response.

The difficulty in a conversation stems less from the topic and more from your internal thoughts and feelings. Mastering conflict requires regulating your own nervous system, reframing your perspective, and clarifying your motives before trying to influence the other person.

Winning an argument by proving a factual point (e.g., "you were technically yelling") is a losing strategy in relationships. Therapist Terry Real's framework suggests subjective perception is what truly matters. Establishing "objective reality" invalidates your partner's experience and derails resolution.

The brain's emotional center is five times stronger than its rational part. When triggered by stress, it shuts down executive function. A deliberate 90-second pause is a powerful antidote that allows the physiological wave of emotion to pass, enabling clearer, more considered decision-making.

To move from emotional reactivity to strategic choice in conflict, use a three-step process. First, recognize your physical and emotional triggers (Self-Awareness). Next, consciously calm your nervous system (Pause). Finally, shift your view from a threat to a learning opportunity (Reframe).