A book taught Shaka Senghor to see the inner child in his adversaries. This reframed their aggression not as a personal attack, but as an adult "temper tantrum" from an inability to articulate unhealed trauma. This perspective shift instantly changed his approach to resolving conflict.
Related Insights
Most leaders are conflict-avoidant. Instead of running from tension, view it as a data point signaling an unaddressed issue or misalignment. This reframes conflict from a threat into an opportunity for discovery and improvement, prompting curiosity rather than fear.
Instead of reacting to a frustrating behavior, approach it with "loving curiosity" to find its root cause, often in a person's past. Discovering this "understandable reason" naturally and effortlessly triggers compassion, dissolving judgment and conflict without forcing empathy.
To defuse conflict, frame your perspective as a personal narrative rather than objective fact. This linguistic tool signals vulnerability and invites dialogue by acknowledging your story could be wrong, preventing the other person's brain from defaulting to a defensive, "fight or flight" response.
The difficulty in a conversation stems less from the topic and more from your internal thoughts and feelings. Mastering conflict requires regulating your own nervous system, reframing your perspective, and clarifying your motives before trying to influence the other person.
What appears as outward aggression, blame, or anger is often a defensive mechanism. These "bodyguards" emerge to protect a person's inner vulnerability when they feel hurt. To resolve conflict, one must learn to speak past the bodyguards to the underlying pain.
When someone lashes out in anger, they are operating from past conditioning and expect a reciprocal reaction. Responding with genuine love breaks this script. This unexpected response pulls them out of their autopilot state ('what was') and creates space for a genuine, present-moment interaction ('what is').
People fundamentally desire similar things: respect, love, independence, and companionship. Conflict often stems not from different goals, but from the different ways these needs manifest. Seeing through the surface-level disagreement to the shared underlying need can transform an enemy into a fellow human.
When his son was crying after being momentarily left behind, psychologist Greg Walton simply said, "You were scared you'd be left behind." Acknowledging and naming the specific fear validated the emotion, allowing the child's body to visibly relax.
The "loving-kindness" practice of wishing well for others, especially those you have friction with, serves as a powerful de-escalation tool. It internally realigns you with a more constructive outcome, reminding you of your ultimate goal for positive connection, thereby reducing your own confrontational or reactive tendencies in tense moments.
To slow down a heated or fast-paced conversation, avoid telling the other person to calm down. Instead, validate their emotional state by acknowledging it directly, e.g., 'I hear you have a lot of passion here.' This meta-commentary creates space and can de-escalate the intensity without being confrontational.
