Unilaterally walking away from a fight can trigger a partner's abandonment issues. Terry Real advises contracting for breaks when calm, and during conflict, stating the reason for the break and a specific time of return. This turns a rupture into a structured pause.
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Inspired by Brené Brown, partners can avoid conflict by quantifying their emotional capacity. Stating "I'm at 20%" signals you don't have the energy for a difficult conversation. This allows your partner to adjust expectations, provide support, or table the issue, preventing a fight that would have been caused by depletion, not malice.
One partner's aggressive 'fight' response (porcupine) triggers the other's defensive 'flight' response (turtle). This withdrawal intensifies the porcupine's pursuit, creating a frustrating and exhausting cycle where neither party's needs are met.
In intimate relationships, arguing over objective facts is a recipe for disaster. According to therapist Terry Real, "objective reality has no place in intimate relationships." Trying to prove your point with logic ignores your partner's emotional experience and only escalates conflict. Focus on feelings, not facts.
During a shared trauma, couples often fail to communicate, leading to resentment. The solution isn't to pretend everything is okay, but to have the courage to state the problem bluntly (e.g., "This is a disaster... I don't like you right now"). This directness breaks the stalemate and forces open communication.
Winning an argument by proving a factual point (e.g., "you were technically yelling") is a losing strategy in relationships. Therapist Terry Real's framework suggests subjective perception is what truly matters. Establishing "objective reality" invalidates your partner's experience and derails resolution.
To move from emotional reactivity to strategic choice in conflict, use a three-step process. First, recognize your physical and emotional triggers (Self-Awareness). Next, consciously calm your nervous system (Pause). Finally, shift your view from a threat to a learning opportunity (Reframe).
The most effective way to enforce a boundary is to calmly and politely remove yourself when it's crossed. Don't argue or express anger. Simply state that you're leaving and do so. This non-dramatic, consistent action teaches others your limits without fueling further conflict.
Rather than reacting defensively to a partner's harsh delivery, a skilled person 'ducks under it' to find the core issue. By addressing the partner's underlying pain, you de-escalate the conflict, turning a potential multi-day fight into a 10-minute resolution.
Conflict avoidance is not a sign of a healthy relationship. True intimacy is built through cycles of 'rupture and repair,' where disagreements are used as opportunities for deeper understanding. A relationship without conflict may be fragile, as its ability to repair has never been tested.
To slow down a heated or fast-paced conversation, avoid telling the other person to calm down. Instead, validate their emotional state by acknowledging it directly, e.g., 'I hear you have a lot of passion here.' This meta-commentary creates space and can de-escalate the intensity without being confrontational.
