True empathy doesn't require having lived through the same event. It's the ability to connect with the underlying emotions—grief, fear, joy—that you have experienced. In fact, having the identical experience can sometimes lead to empathic failure because you assume their reaction must be the same as yours.

Echoing Carol Dweck's work on malleable mindset, empathy is not a fixed personality trait but a skill that can be intentionally developed. Just as one strengthens muscles at a gym, individuals can practice and improve their capacity for empathy and connection through consistent effort.

Face-to-face contact provides a rich stream of non-verbal cues (tone, expression, body language) that our brains use to build empathy. Digital platforms strip these away, impairing our ability to connect, understand others' emotions, and potentially fostering undue hostility and aggression online.

Effective connective labor goes beyond listening to facts; it identifies and articulates the "emotional message" beneath a person's story. Naming this feeling, perhaps with a metaphor, creates a powerful epiphany and makes the person feel truly seen.

People often confuse empathy with agreement. In collaborative problem-solving, empathy is a tool for understanding. You can completely disagree with someone's perspective while still working to accurately understand it, which is the necessary first step to finding a solution.

The discomfort felt by those from lower-income backgrounds around the wealthy is not just envy, but a deep-seated frustration. It stems from the belief that those who grew up with money can sympathize but never truly empathize with the constant stress and lack of a safety net that defines life without it.

Contrary to stereotypes that horror fans are depraved, research indicates they often possess higher-than-average cognitive empathy. To experience fear while watching a scary movie, a viewer must be able to adopt the perspective of the protagonist. The fear is generated not by the monster itself, but by empathizing with someone like us who is in danger.

Empathy has three parts: emotional (feeling others' pain), cognitive (understanding it), and compassion (wishing them well). Emotional empathy—vicariously taking on others' suffering—is most associated with burnout. For caregivers and leaders, cultivating cognitive empathy and compassion is more sustainable and effective.

Empathy, defined as merely feeling another's pain, is overrated and can lead to inaction. Effective leadership requires compassion: understanding a problem, feeling a connection, identifying a solution, and having the courage to implement it, even when it's difficult or unpopular.