We dedicate years to learning skills like math but expect people to navigate the complexities of marriage with no training. Society frames marriage as a magical state you're either good at or not, rather than a practical skill set that can be taught, practiced, and improved, leading to predictable failure.
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Contrary to romantic narratives, men's decisions to commit are driven by a list of practical, factual criteria like compatible values, shared future direction, and productive communication. While important, feelings of 'love and connection' are not the primary factors that make someone the right person to marry.
People often avoid difficult relationship conversations because they feel scared. However, bravery is not the absence of fear; it is acting despite being afraid. A healthy marriage requires this courage—the willingness to address tough issues even when it is uncomfortable.
The endless-swipe model of online dating is miserable because it frames the core problem of love as a search for the 'right' person. This distracts from the actual, harder work: learning to build compatibility and navigate conflict with an inevitably imperfect human.
Couples make two fatal, opposing assumptions. First, that marriage will fix a partner's existing flaws. Second, that the person they marry will not fundamentally change over decades. A successful marriage requires accepting current flaws while preparing to grow alongside an evolving partner.
Contrary to common advice, high expectations aren't inherently bad for marriage. They create a bifurcation: couples who invest enough to meet these expectations achieve unprecedented levels of fulfillment, while those who can't are often unhappier than couples from past eras with lower expectations.
Psychologist Eli Finkel's "suffocation model" suggests contemporary couples expect their partners to provide not just love, but also personal growth and self-actualization—needs once met by an entire community. This overload of expectations can damage a relationship if not met with sufficient investment of time and energy.
The success of a long-term relationship is better predicted by how partners handle conflict and disagreement than by how much they enjoy good times together. People are more likely to break up due to poor conflict resolution than a lack of peak experiences.
With a 56-76% failure rate, marriage should be analyzed like any failing technology, not blindly adopted as tradition. Questioning "why" you are getting married is a critical first step that modern culture wrongly deems rude and off-limits.
Modern dating culture wrongly treats compatibility as an entry fee for a relationship. A healthier approach is to view it as the outcome of sustained effort and love. Compatibility is something you build with a partner, not something you find ready-made.
Couples in conflict often appear to be poor communicators. However, studies show these same individuals communicate effectively with strangers. The issue isn't a skill deficit, but a toxic emotional environment within the relationship that inhibits their willingness to collaborate.
