Relationships thrive when partners bring different, complementary values, like trading "apples for coconuts." The modern push for equality, where everyone performs the same tasks, creates friction and score-keeping, undermining the partnership's inherent strength.
With a 56-76% failure rate, marriage should be analyzed like any failing technology, not blindly adopted as tradition. Questioning "why" you are getting married is a critical first step that modern culture wrongly deems rude and off-limits.
Therapy seeks to help individuals feel whole and content. Advertising, in contrast, fundamentally relies on creating dissatisfaction. Its unchanging core message is, "You're not okay, but redemption is available through this purchase," which perpetuates a culture of inadequacy.
Despite its complexities, a successful marriage's foundation is simple: each partner consistently feels they are the other's favorite person. This core sentiment, when genuinely maintained, provides the warmth and motivation to navigate inevitable challenges.
People often avoid difficult relationship conversations because they feel scared. However, bravery is not the absence of fear; it is acting despite being afraid. A healthy marriage requires this courage—the willingness to address tough issues even when it is uncomfortable.
Early in a relationship, couples identify what pleases their partner and repeat those actions to ensure satisfaction. This well-intentioned strategy of "playing the hits" inevitably creates a predictable routine. This routine, not a lack of love, is what ultimately kills novelty and sexual desire.
Historically, the male-female bond was a clear exchange of protection and resources for nurturing and family-building. In the safe, prosperous West, these needs are less urgent, dismantling the traditional incentives for partnership and leading to widespread confusion about relationship roles.
A prenuptial agreement is simply the set of rules for a marriage's end. By not creating your own, you automatically opt into the default "prenup" written by state law. This government contract can be altered at any time without your permission, ceding financial control to the state.
We dedicate years to learning skills like math but expect people to navigate the complexities of marriage with no training. Society frames marriage as a magical state you're either good at or not, rather than a practical skill set that can be taught, practiced, and improved, leading to predictable failure.
Instead of waiting for problems, couples can implement a simple weekly check-in. Asking specific questions ("What 3 things made you feel loved? What 3 could I do better?") provides a structured, low-friction way to perform preventative maintenance on the relationship.
Couples make two fatal, opposing assumptions. First, that marriage will fix a partner's existing flaws. Second, that the person they marry will not fundamentally change over decades. A successful marriage requires accepting current flaws while preparing to grow alongside an evolving partner.
Evolutionarily, pair-bonding is crucial for survival. Yet, in conflict, the immediate gratification of "winning" often feels more compelling than maintaining connection. Recognizing this internal conflict—"you can be right or you can be happy"—is key to prioritizing the relationship's long-term health.
Beyond happiness or stability, a partnership's ultimate goal should be to help each other become the most authentic versions of themselves. This requires an intimacy where you can see your partner's blind spots and provide feedback that fosters genuine self-discovery and growth.
Modern culture lacks the rites of passage that once marked life transitions. To make a commitment like marriage psychologically tangible, individuals can create their own rituals. Choosing a painful, permanent act, like a first tattoo, can create a powerful demarcation between one's "before" and "after" self.