Mirroring loneliness, "a-loneliness" is the negative feeling—stress, sadness, or anger—that arises from not getting enough time alone. This dissatisfaction with one's solitary life can strain relationships, as research shows those desiring more me-time were more likely to express aggression towards their partners.
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Western culture promotes a "left-shifted" brain state, prioritizing productivity and survival (left hemisphere). This state of constant sympathetic activation disconnects us from our bodies, emotions, and relational capacity (right hemisphere), directly causing our modern epidemic of loneliness.
People feel lonely because they fill their finite capacity for social connection (Dunbar's number) with one-sided parasocial relationships from social media. These connections occupy mental "slots" for real friends, leading to a feeling of social emptiness in the real world.
Before the pandemic, the US Surgeon General identified loneliness as the nation's primary health crisis, surpassing issues like smoking and obesity. This is particularly acute among leaders, with studies showing half feel lonely, and a majority of them admit it leads to bad business decisions due to a lack of trusted advisors.
Society rewards hyper-independence, but it's often a coping mechanism to avoid relational vulnerability. This external validation creates a vicious cycle, leading to external success but profound internal disconnection and loneliness, as the behavior is both protective and culturally applauded.
We spend more time alone due to structural factors and technology that enable avoiding interaction. This 'interiority' is a self-reinforcing cycle: as we interact less, our social skills can atrophy and social inertia sets in, making it progressively more difficult and energy-intensive to re-engage with others.
Our brains evolved to equate social isolation with a mortal threat, triggering a physiological stress response. This elevates cortisol and causes chronic inflammation, leading to severe health consequences, with studies showing isolated individuals are 32% more likely to die from any cause.
A socially satisfying life requires solitude, but the quality of that solitude depends on social interaction. Research shows people feel more content when alone *after* positive social experiences. Connection replenishes us in a way that transforms solitude from a state of loneliness into one of restorative contentment.
Extroverts often avoid the discomfort of being alone by filling it with digital social connection, a behavior described as "social washing." This prevents them from gaining the benefits of true solitude. By starting with just 15 minutes a day, they can build their tolerance and capacity for restorative alone time.
Senior leaders, like managing partners and CEOs, often carry significant burdens they cannot share with their teams or even their families. This creates a profound sense of isolation, highlighting the need for a trusted, confidential advisor.
Leadership is inherently isolating because you lack true peers. However, loneliness is an emotional response you can control. Combat it not by trying to befriend direct reports, but by building authentic connections, showing vulnerability, and contextually ceding the leadership role to subject matter experts on your team.
