Daniel Lubetzky argues that niceness (politeness) can be detrimental in the workplace as it avoids necessary, difficult feedback. True kindness requires the strength to be honest and provide constructive criticism that helps colleagues and the organization grow, even if it's uncomfortable.
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The biggest professional and personal problems often stem from a lack of candor. Withholding honest feedback to "keep the peace" is a destructive act that enables bad behavior and builds personal resentment over time. Delivering the truth, even when difficult, is a gift that addresses problems head-on and prevents future failure.
A leader's desire to be liked can lead to a lack of candor, which is ultimately cruel. Avoiding difficult feedback allows underperformance to fester and makes an eventual firing a shocking surprise. This damages trust more than direct, consistent, and tough conversations would have.
Most managers fail at feedback by avoiding conflict. A better framework combines three elements: toughness (directly confronting the problem), kindness (offering support to improve), and clarity (defining specific actions and the potential positive outcome).
The most selfish thing a leader can do is withhold feedback because giving it would be uncomfortable. In that moment, you are optimizing for your own comfort at the expense of your colleague's growth. High-performance teams require radical candor, which is fundamentally an unselfish act.
A leader's failure to deliver difficult feedback, even with good intentions, doesn't protect employees. It fosters entitlement in the underperformer and resentment in the leader, leading to a toxic dynamic and an inevitable, messy separation. True kindness is direct, constructive feedback.
A common pitfall for new managers is seeking validation by being liked. A great leader's role is to provide constructive challenges and uncomfortable feedback, which fosters genuine growth and ultimately earns the team's gratitude and respect.
Society teaches us to be 'nice,' which often means avoiding conflict and telling people what they want to hear. True connection, however, requires kindness. A kind person cares enough about the relationship to say the hard truth, choosing what is real over what is merely pleasant.
To prevent defensiveness when giving critical feedback, managers should explicitly state their positive intent. Saying "I'm giving this because I care about you and your career" shifts the focus from a personal attack to a supportive act of leadership aimed at helping them grow.
Most employees avoid giving leaders negative feedback for fear of repercussions. However, a leader's ability to improve is directly tied to their willingness to accept the 'emotional hit' of criticism. The team member who provides unvarnished truth is therefore the most critical for achieving long-term goals.
Many leaders are candid in broad strokes but fail to have direct, difficult conversations with individuals they personally like. This avoidance stems from a desire not to hurt feelings but inevitably leads to underperformance and greater problems down the line.