Many are addicted to seeking LAVA (Love, Approval, Validation, Acceptance) from others, leading to self-abandonment. True recovery requires a profound shift: giving up this single addictive pursuit of external validation in order to reclaim everything else in your life.

Individuals who repeatedly select abusive partners are not consciously seeking pain. Instead, their subconscious is drawn to the familiar emotional dynamic of a traumatic childhood. Because an abusive parent was also a "love figure," this painful connection becomes a subconscious blueprint for adult relationships until the pattern is consciously broken.

The "disease model" of addiction is flawed because it removes personal agency. Addiction is more accurately understood as a behavioral coping mechanism to numb the pain of unresolved trauma. Healing requires addressing the root cause of the pain, not just treating the addiction as a brain defect.

The people we attract, especially romantic partners, are not random. They serve as mirrors reflecting our unhealed wounds. An inconsistent partner, for example, appears because the universe is providing an opportunity to heal the part of you that feels it only deserves emotional "breadcrumbs."

Many are drawn to "chemical attraction"—an intense rush often rooted in trauma bonds. A healthier foundation is "safety attraction," where you feel emotionally and psychologically safe to be your authentic self. This shift from chasing a high to seeking safety is critical for lasting relationships.

If your attachment system activates quickly, your ability to reason is compromised early in a relationship. The solution is to act like a drug addict facing their drug: use sober moments to create strict rules, limit contact, and aggressively scrutinize the person before your judgment is inevitably clouded by emotion.

According to quantum physics, trauma can create a lasting energetic connection, or "toxic entanglement," with the perpetrator. This bond persists regardless of time or distance, allowing their influence to continue. Healing and reconceptualizing the trauma is the only way to sever these invisible ties and reclaim your energy.

The root cause of people-pleasing is often a “self-abandonment wound.” We seek validation or acceptance from others because we are trying to get something from them that we are not giving ourselves. The solution is to develop internal self-acceptance and set boundaries.

To heal a relational wound, one must revisit the original feeling within a new, safe relationship. The healing occurs when this context provides a "disconfirming experience"—a different, positive outcome that meets the original unmet need and neurologically rewrites the pattern.