Parents who track and financially support their adult children believe they are helping. In reality, this behavior communicates a lack of faith in their children's abilities, destroying their self-worth and trapping them in a cycle of dependency.
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Continuing to give money to adult children sends a damaging subliminal message: 'I don't believe you can make it on your own.' This perceived lack of faith from parents can be more destructive to a young adult's confidence than the financial struggle itself.
If an adult child lacks ambition, the root cause is often continued financial support from parents. Providing money and shelter removes the natural consequences of inaction, creating a comfortable environment for laziness. The most effective (though difficult) solution is to cut them off financially.
Instead of a fixed inheritance plan based on age, adopt a flexible strategy that scales financial support up or down based on a child's productivity and life choices. This approach, inspired by Morgan Housel, rewards effort and responsible behavior while avoiding subsidizing unproductive lifestyles.
People who sacrifice their ambitions for parental approval often grow to resent them, creating permanent distance. Facing short-term discomfort is better than a lifetime of regret and a strained relationship.
While well-intentioned, providing prolonged financial support to adult children communicates a belief that they are incapable of succeeding on their own. This cripples their self-esteem and ambition, making the enabling parent the root of the problem.
Continuously paying for an adult child's lifestyle, while well-intentioned, can be perceived by the child as a message that their parents believe they are incapable of succeeding on their own, leading to resentment and depression.
David Choe posits that becoming an expert in disappointing your parents is a prerequisite for living an authentic life. Had he followed their prescribed path, he would have been a lawyer, not a world-renowned artist. This act of rebellion, while painful, is a necessary step to break from inherited values and define one's own.
The most impactful gift a parent can provide is not material, but an unwavering, almost irrational belief in their child's potential. Since children lack strong self-assumptions, a parent can install a powerful, positive "frame" that they will grow to inhabit, becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Parents don't need to formally teach kids about money. Children form powerful, lasting mental models by observing their parents' daily actions—every offhand comment about affordability, every choice of vacation, and every remark about neighbors. They will either mimic this behavior or, if they see it as flawed, aggressively rebel against it.
Shaka Senghor introduces the concept of "well-intended prisons"—actions that seem helpful but are actually restrictive. A helicopter parent, for example, thinks they are protecting their child but is actually preventing them from developing resilience and making their own choices.
