While well-intentioned, providing prolonged financial support to adult children communicates a belief that they are incapable of succeeding on their own. This cripples their self-esteem and ambition, making the enabling parent the root of the problem.
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Continuing to give money to adult children sends a damaging subliminal message: 'I don't believe you can make it on your own.' This perceived lack of faith from parents can be more destructive to a young adult's confidence than the financial struggle itself.
The speaker's mother regrets not saving more for college, but the speaker reflects that the resulting necessity of working multiple jobs instilled a financial wisdom and independence that has served her and her siblings well in adulthood. The unintended struggle became an unexpected strength.
For young people pursuing non-traditional careers, parental discomfort is a preferable outcome to seeking approval. If you succeed, their pride is immense. If you fail, you learn to operate without their validation. Both outcomes build crucial entrepreneurial resilience.
If an adult child lacks ambition, the root cause is often continued financial support from parents. Providing money and shelter removes the natural consequences of inaction, creating a comfortable environment for laziness. The most effective (though difficult) solution is to cut them off financially.
Money is a taboo subject often tied to shame, which paralyzes action. To give financial advice effectively to friends or family, frame the conversation as an act of love and concern, not judgment or superiority. This approach mirrors how we would address a physical ailment and makes the recipient more open to help.
The mere presence of an adult shifts responsibility away from children. They come to expect adults to enforce safety and solve conflicts, which discourages them from developing their own problem-solving skills, risk assessment, and self-reliance.
People who sacrifice their ambitions for parental approval often grow to resent them, creating permanent distance. Facing short-term discomfort is better than a lifetime of regret and a strained relationship.
Continuously paying for an adult child's lifestyle, while well-intentioned, can be perceived by the child as a message that their parents believe they are incapable of succeeding on their own, leading to resentment and depression.
The most impactful gift a parent can provide is not material, but an unwavering, almost irrational belief in their child's potential. Since children lack strong self-assumptions, a parent can install a powerful, positive "frame" that they will grow to inhabit, becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Shaka Senghor introduces the concept of "well-intended prisons"—actions that seem helpful but are actually restrictive. A helicopter parent, for example, thinks they are protecting their child but is actually preventing them from developing resilience and making their own choices.
