To check your integrity, imagine your conversation is on speakerphone for all stakeholders to hear. If you feel the need to change your words or ask to be taken off speaker, you are likely changing the core message, not just adapting your style.
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Showing up as your "full self" in every situation is ineffective. A better approach is "strategic authenticity," where you adjust your communication style to suit the context (e.g., a board meeting vs. a team lunch) without compromising your fundamental values.
Ethical communication is like translation; it changes vocabulary to suit an audience while preserving the core facts and meaning. Deceptive communication is transformation; it alters the fundamental story, responsibilities, and perceptions to serve a personal agenda.
Influence is nudging someone in a direction beneficial for both parties and is built on honesty. Manipulation benefits only you and relies on deception or lying. Lying is the shortcut that crosses the line from ethical influence to manipulation.
If your natural communication style can be misconstrued (e.g., direct, quiet, transactional), preface interactions by explicitly stating it. For example, "I tend to go straight to action mode." This provides crucial context, manages others' perceptions, and gives you permission to be authentic.
In high-visibility roles, striving for perfect communication is counterproductive. Mistakes are inevitable. The key to credibility is not avoiding errors, but handling them with authenticity. This display of humanity makes a communicator more relatable and trustworthy than a polished but sterile delivery.
Directly ask your manager, "When you talk about my performance in leadership meetings, what are the main points you emphasize?" An honest manager will answer directly, while a manipulative one will likely deflect or become defensive, revealing their lack of transparency.
The key difference between effective and manipulative communication lies in what is altered. Leaders adapt the vocabulary and emphasis for their audience (delivery), while manipulators change the underlying facts and narrative (message), destroying trust.
When trying to deceive someone, admitting a genuine, less critical flaw can make you seem honest and self-aware. This vulnerability makes the primary lie more credible because the listener thinks, "Why would they tell me this bad thing if the other part wasn't true?"
To adapt communication without losing integrity, establish a core set of facts first. This factual foundation must remain consistent for all audiences. You can then tailor which facts you emphasize and how you explain them, but the underlying truth never changes.
We often assume our message is received as intended, but this is a frequent point of failure in communication. The only thing that matters is what the listener understands. To ensure clarity and avoid conflict, proactively ask the other person to reflect back what they heard you say.
