Terry Real argues that men often can't be accountable because their self-worth is tied to performance. Admitting a flaw triggers overwhelming shame, so they become defensive. Developing internal self-worth is a prerequisite for taking responsibility in relationships.
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Men constantly grapple with a desire for high performance while simultaneously needing compassion and self-love. The internal challenge is to pursue potential without feeling insufficient, and to want support without feeling broken.
Healing relational trauma requires vulnerability, yet traditional masculinity prizes emotional control. This creates a painful paradox for men, where the very act required for healing feels like it threatens their identity and risks emasculation in their partner's eyes, making avoidance feel safer.
Stoicism, the essence of traditional masculinity, demands men deny their inherent vulnerability. This creates anxiety and walls men off from others, because authentic human connection is built through sharing vulnerability, not hiding it.
Terry Real observes that many modern men who access their feelings do so with a sense of entitlement, expecting partners to care for them. True progressive masculinity combines emotional openness with responsibility and generosity, not just self-focused expression.
In a study, individuals with low self-esteem who believed their partners were listing their faults reacted defensively by devaluing their partners. This creates a downward spiral where perceived criticism leads to pre-emptive emotional attacks.
Many successful men maintain a perfectionist image rooted in childhood conditioning where love was conditional. When they inevitably fall short, they experience intense shame. Instead of seeking help, they self-medicate with various vices to cope, leading to a private downward spiral.
Many high-performing men are aware of their deep-seated emotional issues but actively avoid addressing them. They hold a profound fear that delving into their trauma will destabilize them, compromise their professional edge, and ultimately destroy the very success they've worked so hard to build.
Society often requires men to first achieve success in traditionally masculine areas—like status, wealth, or physical strength—before they can express emotional vulnerability without being perceived as weak. These 'man points' act as an unspoken prerequisite for emotional openness to be seen as credible.
Men define emasculation not as 'feeling bad,' but as having their ability to produce results diminished. Actions like interrupting their focus, withholding critical information, or devaluing their accomplishments directly attack their core drive for productivity and security, which is far more damaging than emotional upset.
Men who label emotional exploration and therapy as "woo" are often masking a deep-seated fear. The most terrifying arena for a man isn't the boardroom or a warzone, but his own inner world. Rejecting this work is a refusal to confront the parts of himself he doesn't understand or control.