Instead of defining yourself by roles or accomplishments (the "what"), focus on the underlying values and motivations (the "why"). This creates a more robust identity that can withstand the loss of a specific job or pursuit, as the core "why" can find new outlets.
Related Insights
Lasting change stems from identity-based habits, not outcome-based goals. Every small action—one meditation, one boundary set—is a 'vote' for the person you want to become. This accumulation of 'identity evidence' makes new behaviors feel natural and intrinsic rather than forced.
Ask yourself Steve Ahern's question: 'Who are you when the on-air light switches off?' This forces you to separate your core identity from your professional role. Knowing who you are without your job title is crucial for navigating career changes, promotions, or retirement without facing an existential crisis.
The common advice to 'find your purpose' can be counterproductive. It boxes you into a static self-identity, creating friction and existential crises whenever you grow or your interests change. A more flexible approach is to focus on a set of core values that guide you, rather than a single, reductive 'purpose'.
Experiencing a failure doesn't define who you are. The act of getting back up redefines your identity. You shift from being 'the person who failed' to 'the person who perseveres,' a far more powerful self-concept that builds long-term confidence.
Protect your self-worth by pursuing at least two or three serious interests at the same time. Progress in one domain, like a physical skill, can serve as a psychological safety net when you face setbacks in your primary professional endeavor. This prevents your entire identity from being tied to one volatile variable.
To build resilient self-esteem, attach your self-worth to living by your values—a process you can control (e.g., 'being a good father'). Avoid tying it to external outcomes you can't control (e.g., 'my child is happy with me'). This allows you to remain stable regardless of external feedback.
Tying your identity to professional achievements makes you vulnerable and risk-averse. By treating business as a "game" you are passionate about, but not as the core of your self-worth, you can navigate high-stakes challenges and failures with greater objectivity and emotional resilience.
When your entire sense of self is tied to your profession, you build a prison. Any threat to your work becomes a threat to your existence. A resilient identity is like a diversified portfolio, with investments in family, hobbies, and community, not just a single stock.
Many goals are abandoned because they are chosen to look good to others rather than tapping into a deep, personal meaning. An authentic, internal "why" provides the resilience needed to overcome challenges, unlike a superficial or performative one that collapses under pressure.
Goals (e.g., "be a doctor," "be happy") are outcome-focused and can lead to frustration if not achieved. Intentions (e.g., "act with kindness") are process-focused and within your control in any moment. Centering your life on intentions creates a stable internal anchor, regardless of your job title or external circumstances.