From a young age, men are taught to see vulnerability as weakness. When faced with fear, a common coping mechanism is to transmute that emotion into rage, which is seen as a more acceptable expression of male strength.
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Healing relational trauma requires vulnerability, yet traditional masculinity prizes emotional control. This creates a painful paradox for men, where the very act required for healing feels like it threatens their identity and risks emasculation in their partner's eyes, making avoidance feel safer.
Christian Howes argues that a major barrier to emotional health for men is the cultural taboo against even acknowledging feelings like fear, shame, and guilt. Simply giving these emotions a name creates the necessary permission to begin processing them.
Society often expects men to solve their own problems, leaving displays of sadness or vulnerability unanswered. The brain then performs an "inner alchemy," transmuting this despair into anger—a more motivating emotion for action. When working with angry men, the underlying issue is often unaddressed sadness.
When people are unwilling or unable to feel their own emotional pain, they often transform it into actions that cause pain to others. This applies to individuals lashing out and leaders giving their followers someone to hate.
What appears as outward aggression, blame, or anger is often a defensive mechanism. These "bodyguards" emerge to protect a person's inner vulnerability when they feel hurt. To resolve conflict, one must learn to speak past the bodyguards to the underlying pain.
Stoicism, the essence of traditional masculinity, demands men deny their inherent vulnerability. This creates anxiety and walls men off from others, because authentic human connection is built through sharing vulnerability, not hiding it.
The crisis among young men stems from a societal narrative that pathologizes their core biological impulses. Traits like aggression, dominance, and ambition, which are natural drivers, are now deemed toxic. This creates internal conflict and a sense of worthlessness, contributing to 'deaths of despair.'
The system of American patriarchy, which elevates dominance, is detrimental even to its primary beneficiaries. It forces men to sever their natural connectedness to others and deny their own vulnerability, leading to negative personal and societal outcomes.
Anger is the emotion people are most likely to self-stimulate because it provides a potent neurological shortcut. It replaces anxiety and uncertainty with a feeling of clarity, energy, and focus, making it a tempting but dangerous short-term solution to complex problems.
Society often requires men to first achieve success in traditionally masculine areas—like status, wealth, or physical strength—before they can express emotional vulnerability without being perceived as weak. These 'man points' act as an unspoken prerequisite for emotional openness to be seen as credible.