The brain's "wanting" (dopamine) and "liking" (endorphins) systems are separate. Intense reinforcement of the wanting system can create a powerful craving for a person who no longer brings pleasure, explaining why people stay hung up on those who treat them badly or with whom there is no future.

Intense, chaotic, or euphoric feelings in a new relationship are often misinterpreted as deep "chemistry" or love. In reality, this intensity can be a sign that one's nervous system recognizes a familiar, and potentially unhealthy, dynamic from the past. True, safe intimacy is often calmer and less dramatic.

When someone says they're turned off by 'nice guys,' it often means their nervous system equates the feeling of love with a fight-or-flight response. Consistency and safety feel boring because they don't trigger the familiar anxiety and chase dynamic learned from past relationships or childhood.

Based on attachment theory, a common dysfunctional dating pattern occurs when an anxiously attached person (fearing abandonment) pursues an avoidantly attached person (fearing being smothered). Their behaviors reinforce each other's deepest fears, creating an unhappy loop.

People mistake an initial intense 'spark' for unique chemistry, but it's often just a 'sparky' person's default mode. This is like a drink optimized for a thrilling first sip that quickly becomes overwhelming, unlike a classic soda (like Diet Coke) designed for sustained enjoyment.

According to neuroscientist Tom Bellamy, the brain's dopamine reward system is most intensely activated by unpredictable rewards. This is why romantic uncertainty doesn't just cause anxiety; it actively strengthens desire and weakens self-control, driving infatuation into a state of "person addiction."

Many are drawn to "chemical attraction"—an intense rush often rooted in trauma bonds. A healthier foundation is "safety attraction," where you feel emotionally and psychologically safe to be your authentic self. This shift from chasing a high to seeking safety is critical for lasting relationships.

If your attachment system activates quickly, your ability to reason is compromised early in a relationship. The solution is to act like a drug addict facing their drug: use sober moments to create strict rules, limit contact, and aggressively scrutinize the person before your judgment is inevitably clouded by emotion.

An extreme crush on someone is often not about them, but about a "misplaced ambition." We see traits in them that we feel we lack (e.g., confidence, talent), and their acceptance of us feels like a validation of our own perceived shortcomings.