To become more loving or kind, simply start behaving as if you are already a loving and kind person. According to anthropologist Ashley Montague, persistent, low-level acts of care eventually rewire your identity. You wake up one day and realize you've become the person you aspired to be.
Lasting change stems from identity-based habits, not outcome-based goals. Every small action—one meditation, one boundary set—is a 'vote' for the person you want to become. This accumulation of 'identity evidence' makes new behaviors feel natural and intrinsic rather than forced.
The 'Be-Do-Have' principle dictates that to achieve a new result (Have), you need new actions (Do). But to sustain those actions without burnout, you must first transform your identity (Be). Simply doubling your effort is unsustainable; you must become the person for whom the new actions feel natural.
Since the brain builds future predictions from past experiences, you can architect your future self by intentionally creating new experiences today. By exposing yourself to new ideas and practicing new skills, you create the seeds for future automatic predictions and behaviors, giving you agency over who you become.
Confidence doesn't precede action; it's a result of it. Instead of waiting to feel like a 'great football player,' Anthony Trucks started doing what one does. This behavioral investment created the proof needed to build genuine belief and forge a new identity from the outside in.
The most powerful way to make habits stick is to tie them to your identity. Each action you take—one pushup, one sentence written—casts a vote for a desired identity, like "I'm someone who doesn't miss workouts" or "I am a writer." This builds a body of evidence that makes the identity real.
Morality is not a static trait you possess but a state you achieve through action. Engaging in pro-social behavior shapes your identity as a moral person, creating a virtuous cycle where action precedes and builds character, which can then inspire others.
A significant portion of what we consider our 'personality' is actually a collection of adaptive behaviors developed to feel loved and accepted. When you learn to generate that feeling internally, for instance through meditation, many of these compensatory traits can dissolve, revealing they were not your core identity.
The pressure to "love yourself" can be a burdensome goal. A more practical and achievable approach is to act as your own best friend: speak to yourself with kindness, view yourself through a compassionate lens, and re-evaluate perceived flaws from a friend's supportive perspective.
Goals (e.g., "be a doctor," "be happy") are outcome-focused and can lead to frustration if not achieved. Intentions (e.g., "act with kindness") are process-focused and within your control in any moment. Centering your life on intentions creates a stable internal anchor, regardless of your job title or external circumstances.
Don't postpone being the person you aspire to be. Define your ideal future self (e.g., a balanced leader) and consciously find small moments in your daily calendar to act like that person now, rather than waiting for external validation or milestones.