Whenever you harshly judge someone, it's a sign that you're avoiding an emotion within yourself, such as jealousy, shame, or fear. To uncover it, ask: "If I couldn't feel this judgment, what would I have to feel?" The answer reveals a part of yourself that you are not accepting, and resolving it dissolves the judgment.
Negative emotions are signals that something needs attention, much like a car's engine light. Don't ignore them. Instead, sit with the feeling to understand it, grant yourself grace for feeling it, and then create a concrete plan to address the root cause.
Instead of a source of shame, envy is a diagnostic tool. When you feel a pang of envy, it’s a signal that someone else possesses a fragment of the life you truly desire. Analyze it to decode your own ambitions, rather than suppressing it as a sign of inadequacy.
Instead of reacting to a frustrating behavior, approach it with "loving curiosity" to find its root cause, often in a person's past. Discovering this "understandable reason" naturally and effortlessly triggers compassion, dissolving judgment and conflict without forcing empathy.
The kindness and gentleness you show to others can be unconsciously internalized. This creates an automatic, compassionate internal voice that responds to your own self-judgment, de-escalating negative thought spirals without conscious effort.
The difficulty in a conversation stems less from the topic and more from your internal thoughts and feelings. Mastering conflict requires regulating your own nervous system, reframing your perspective, and clarifying your motives before trying to influence the other person.
The critical inner voice is a permanent part of our programming from culture and childhood. Instead of trying to silence it, which many self-help approaches attempt, the real skill is learning to accept its presence and get "unstuck" from its influence.
The impulse to harshly judge yourself before others can is a defense mechanism rooted in past pain. A more powerful, healed stance is to simply become unavailable for external criticism, effectively removing the "button" that others can push.
The way to handle the inner critic is not to fight or stop it. Instead, do the opposite: actively express its concerns, have a dialogue with it, and develop a collaborative relationship. This counterintuitive approach transforms the dynamic from an internal battle into a partnership.
Instead of being a shameful emotion to be suppressed, envy should be treated as a guide. The feeling of envy acts like a metal detector, emitting a 'beep' when it passes over a part of your true, unrealized self that is present in another person's life. Analyze it to understand your own ambitions.
Instead of judging a person's negative behavior, seek to understand their story. Actions are often rooted in past trauma or learned patterns. Understanding the "why" behind the behavior, as explored in Dr. Bruce Perry's book "What Happened to You?", is key to leading with empathy.