While initial attraction often relies on consensus (who society deems attractive), spending quality time together builds unique, shared experiences that allow for idiosyncratic opinions and true compatibility to emerge, moving beyond a simple "marketplace" view of dating.
Although surveys show women prioritize earning potential more than men, Dr. Eastwick's speed-dating data reveals that when evaluating actual people, both genders are equally attracted to ambitious partners with high earning prospects. Stated preference differs from revealed preference.
Counter to stereotypes of commitment-phobic men, research shows men are typically more eager to commit, say "I love you" first, and want exclusivity. This is likely because their romantic partner often serves as their primary source of social and emotional support.
Dating algorithms that match users on objective similarities are largely ineffective. Relationship success is better predicted by *perceived* similarity—a cognitive bias where people who already like each other actively find and emphasize commonalities, a form of motivated reasoning.
The optimal social dynamic for a relationship is having friends who celebrate your union and support you as a couple, but do not personally find your partner romantically appealing. This provides crucial validation without introducing the risk of competition or poaching.
Studies show that when a person in a relationship has a sexual fantasy about someone else, it can increase desire for both that person and their current partner. This "rebound" effect suggests external attraction can temporarily refuel in-relationship desire, though acting on it is risky.
Attraction isn't limited to broad traits like looks or status. A story about a scientist falling for his wife's lab pipetting ("aliquoting") skill demonstrates that unique, context-specific prowess can be a powerful, idiosyncratic hook, creating a private narrative that transcends consensus desirability.
A key protective mechanism in monogamous relationships is the "derogation of alternatives." People happy with their partner subconsciously perceive potential mates as less attractive than they objectively are, a cognitive bias that defends the relationship from threats and temptation.
Unlike real-world interactions, dating app algorithms foster an extremely unequal market where a small percentage of users get the vast majority of swipes and messages, a dynamic Dr. Eastwick calls a "kleptocracy."
Contrary to the popular belief that only men seek younger partners, Dr. Eastwick's research from matchmaking services reveals that both men and women are slightly more interested in a second date when their partner is younger. What people say they want differs from their revealed preferences.
Despite not being designed as one, Instagram is effectively the world's largest dating platform. Its algorithm's emphasis on rewarding content that drives direct message (DM) conversations has turned the platform into a primary venue for initiating romantic connections and relationships.
While culture emphasizes physical chemistry, the real "rush" in relationship formation comes from reciprocal self-disclosure. The feeling that someone trusts you with a secret they have never told anyone creates a deeper, more powerful bond than "sex and hotness" alone.
Contrary to the idea of love at first sight, data from successful long-term relationships shows the typical first impression is merely "middling." Lasting attraction is usually a slow accumulation of positive moments and shared experiences, not an instantaneous spark.