Leaders who swing from being overly critical to overly empathetic can become ineffective. Fearing upsetting their team, they may fail to hold people accountable or make tough decisions, ultimately hampering progress. The goal is compassionate accountability, not just feeling everyone's feelings.
Before sending important communications, run them through an AI like ChatGPT. Ask it to critique the message from the point of view of different roles or people with varying positions. This acts as a social awareness check, helping you spot unintended implications or tones that might cause offense.
When someone is upset, a powerful coaching technique is to have them describe the facts of what happened. Then, ask them to articulate the narrative or "story" they've layered on top. This separation creates space to challenge assumptions and see the situation more clearly, reducing emotional reactivity.
Product teams excel at using tools like empathy maps to understand customer feelings and behaviors. However, they often fail to apply this same rigorous curiosity to their internal peers and stakeholders. Using these tools internally can build stronger relationships, improve communication, and foster better collaboration.
A common symptom of low emotional intelligence in product managers is immediate defensiveness when challenged by stakeholders. Instead of curiously exploring the "why" behind a question, they let their emotions take over, creating a negative internal narrative that shuts down productive conversation.
Developing a skill like emotional intelligence follows a four-stage ladder: 1) Unconscious Incompetence (you don't know your deficit), 2) Conscious Incompetence (you realize your deficit), 3) Conscious Competence (you can do it with effort), and 4) Unconscious Competence (it becomes automatic).
Crying is a physiological response, not an inherently unprofessional act. Crying due to emotional dysregulation in a conflict is problematic. However, crying from pride, telling a personal story, or in a safe coaching session is a valid emotional expression and can be perfectly acceptable.
To cultivate a culture of emotional intelligence, translate abstract values like "curiosity" into concrete behaviors. Define what positive curiosity looks like (e.g., asking clarifying questions) and what it doesn't (e.g., analysis paralysis). This makes the value observable, coachable, and measurable for the team.