The term "toxic masculinity" often alienates men. Adam Grant suggests using the psychological concept of "precarious manhood"—the idea that manhood is hard to win but easy to lose—as a more scientifically grounded and less accusatory framework to discuss the pressures men face, leading to more productive conversations.
Rugby player Luke Bateman redefines the traditional male roles of "protector" and "provider." To "protect" means protecting vulnerable people from the harm you could cause with your unmanaged emotions. To "provide" means creating an environment of emotional and spiritual safety where others can thrive, not just being a financial provider.
Men are often socialized with a list of prohibitions (don't be weak, soft, emotional) but aren't given a positive vision of what to strive for. This results in men running away from negative stereotypes without a clear, positive goal, contributing to feelings of being lost or unfulfilled.
Before a man can protect and provide for others, he must first apply those principles internally. This means cultivating a safe inner space where he can belong and feel secure, and protecting himself from harmful social conditioning. This self-care is the foundation for helping others.
When challenging traditional masculinity, insults like "cuck" or "beta" should not be seen as personal attacks. Instead, view them as validation. They are a signal that you are successfully threatening a fragile ego and a harmful narrative, proving that your work is having an impact.
To change minds on sensitive topics like patriarchy without creating defensiveness, avoid "calling people out." Instead, adopt an "invitational" approach, as advocated by Loretta Ross. Frame the conversation as an offer of information and dialogue, which allows others to engage without feeling attacked or shamed.
People often wait until hitting rock bottom to change because that's the point where the fear of loss is eliminated—it's already happened. The potential gains from change, however uncertain, finally outweigh the certain losses, creating the necessary motivation to act.
To make the concept of patriarchy more relatable to men who feel attacked by it, define it as a system that harms them by suppressing their internal emotional lives. This reframing shifts the focus from an external oppression of women to an internal harm against men, fostering empathy rather than defensiveness.